6th May 2016 A radical life change

Michael finds no use in the project but is willing to provide guidance. I have too much on my plate so I might just avoid working on the other team's project and stick with Michael who just got a job teaching at General Assembly. I may not need him anyway but for the moment it offers a confidence boost.

Yesterday morning I made a decision to experience a complete life transformation and experience radical growth. I don't want to suffer any more in my creative career, as a man and as a husband and intimate lover to my wife. I want a fuller life where I can confidently follow my true path and say "I am right in (in my process by following my gut feeling) because I am different (because I don't fit in and do things differently to everyone)." I'm finding there is a way to become centred through feeling  and then grow to give to the world playfully and creatively. It's like an awakening. It started painfully meeting Frances Roberts regularly, the awful reflection on my low self-confidence at the yoga camp at Wisemans Ferry and then listening to "The Way of the superior Man" and "The Power of Now" and another failed night of intimacy. I feel now more calm and connected to myself and younger than for a long time. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I keep wondering if there's a workaround or way to get insurance to enable us to work with No Taste Like Home who carry none. After all, there's those who would be our customers and want to experience something creative.  And then there's those at the other end of the extreme who just want to sue the fuck out of everyone. That second bunch fit perfectly the description of the "blindfolded" masses who can understand and want to deal with the many robots in the financial sector, so let them deal with an insurer. It's like we provide a second service. If you want to grow, then we have an awesome creative experience for you. If you want to sue and complain, we have a brick wall called our insurer you can talk to.

I feel the change is radical and that I'm moving fast but of course, humans change slowly so I know it's a long inspirational and challenging road. Yesterday I wondered how I would manage so many channels of activity - work on projects and myself, my job... But I feel it's coming together as one path, and I will try to ensure it.

The last year and half has been tragic and especially painful since late last year when I began extra hard to train myself to fit in, to become a service designer in UX. In meetings, I even experienced people practically yelling at me, "But your process is flawed!". "How can all the success I have achieved mean nothing because my process is different. It's like the world has been paralysed by what the "correct" process is, and blindfolded to other methods, even if they are less efficient and cost more time and money. My gut feeling tells me the process they think they have copied correctly from the startup sector, software industry, IDEO and Stanford's D School leads to innovation (although how often is it true innovation?) but not pioneering efforts. I'm yet to give pioneering a better definition to help me understand what my path is. How is pioneering different to just innovation? It's such a strong departure from the past and yet it requires so much familiarity in order to take on as a wave through word of mouth and other forms of spreading ideas (if you think of the formation of trends).

I felt like expressing my frustration over how the masses of creatives who are charged with increasing creative confidence shut it down and are blindfolded by sketching it. But each time I visualise a blindfold and then sketch it, the drawing comes out as a wise rebel's mask. I can't fool my mind, it knows better what I want to do, turning every a negative into inspiration. the picture smiles at me back cheekily, a reminder to go forth.    

Today I'm working on my last channel of trying to fit in: organising the portfolio shoot which will then be followed by me looking for better-paid work just for the money and because Is till have a fear inside me telling me that to survive in business I need a better process than my own. I like working at ITSM because it's out of hours and doesn't feel like a real job as such. If I were to get a real job as a designer it would give me a good feeling that "I made it and can do anything" but it's a false belief too. It's a copout. I know the best schooling is in a life of trial and error finding your own way. Still I think it's important I get more cash to safeguard my relationship with Sylvie and her feeling of security and build capital through investments so that I can do the projects I want and use my method and not rely on other people's strategies and methods just because I have no money to role play the strategist.

I wondered yesterday and today though if I could do a trade with Thomas. I'd do the networking and UX design for him and then he could lend me a web programmer and legal assistance. Neither gets a stake in each other's business, it's just sharing of skills to help each other get set up faster. It would rob me of a lot of time though but why else would someone work for free on this project, and maybe we can benefit from each other in the future. All I want is to get a prototype and some proof to reflect on in order to then start building my first team of great talent. Rene Redzepi points out how hard it is to find the right people you can trust, that feel like family. I need to work on being trusting too.

I don't ever want to create what already exists again.