Focusing 1 to 1.5 weeks on employment had disastrous consequences. I became addicted to the cycle of perfecting the way I sell myself and creating documentation (CV, portfolio, emails). I also lost my confidence when there was no feedback and I got rejeced by ABC (although my application was poorly written) and was give no feedback. Playing the employment market is like being a gambler in a casino, you have no control over the system, get poor feedback on what's really happening so that you have to start assuming, becoming suspiscious (gamblers even become religious or whatever the word is believeing in weird coincidence nad having power over nature or the system) and it makes you addicted, then sick, making you need counselling. I became overworked, got sick, blew more money on the doctor, crashed the car again, became agressive to Schnucki, lost my masculinity and became a bundle of nerves that finds it hard to feel enthusiasm for the project and our future, my creativity and pick up the pieces again. Even Dr Beilby wondered if I had become pyroluric and fogotten to take my medicines.
It's as much of a trap to allow myself to enter the employment game as it is for a new player to allow themselves to be suckered in by a casino to sign up.
I spent 2 days drawing these parallels to gain control. I knew at my age (or any age) I could easily make the deciscion to obstain from looking for design employment and just focus on the business.
I was greedy going for the money but happiness we believe is in what we do now.
In the end I'm the pawn of the game, and I shouldn't forget how I even have attended 11 interviews in 2 weeks across Sydney and Melbourne just for one company who ended up using me and never paying. It's like Marti said, he went into running his own business because he was sick of being screwed over by employers.
Schnucki found my behaviour aweful, she reacted strongly to it and was sick of seeing me like this and warned me I was going to crash but I kept going. In future I will listen. She is wise (knows me better than I know myself sometimes).
We agreed what our strngths were. We got nowere the last 6-7 years looking for creative employment in this city. We are better off expressing our ideas through our own business and being happy with a routine that supports it.
Schnucki had already decided she wanted to have a business in Germany doing Children's Philosopy for museums. I had pictured the same, starting with doing the kindergarten project for the MCA gallery in Circular Quay once we got enough prototypes done. sow e agreed to stay focused. she already bought two books on Museums to bring her up to speed on the matter although I think she'll get more out of just doing it.
I know by picking up my routine again, and just getting stuck right into the project, I will regain myself.
I have already had fine employment. I then ventured out to get to the next stage of having my own business. I don't need to start from scratch and go through all that again in the same logical order to get to living off my own creations. I just need to keep going where I left off. Living off my own designs is what I was meant to do next. In Heidegger's terms, that was my "next" that I needed to fulfill. Employment at PHM was my past success, like Disney was a foundation for some pop stars, although I'm miles aaprt from their level of success and ability.
- Take it as a cue to become self aware and make a healhty desiscion when Schnucki tells me my behaviour is odd. Take a deep breath and think about it. Her wisdom may be the first or last chance I have to stop myself from spiraling out of conrol and going backwards to the way I was. She in other words, may be the one to help keep me on psoitive path of building strnegth upon strength when I can't see a possible roadblock.
- My real big strength lies in launching my own creations and I need to learn to make money off it. Same with Schnucki, and she knows it.
- The employment market turns me into who I was before I began the kindergarten venture.
- Learning how to live off my own creations and realising them iwth people who care deeply about them through a venture is what brings me to life and gets me to instantly live being the person I want to be.
- I'll just tell recruitment agents I'm short on time and to use my documents, and that I'm only interested if there's a quick match made. No special documentation or meetings (other than a short phone call or skype and a little preparation for an interview). Schnucki said, to just ignore them but I know she may change her mind when motherhood comes into question again. Otherwise I would just close employment off completely as a toxic distraction.
- I will ask Sylvie first before engaging a recruitment agent's head hunt again. Each time I do that I am not being masculine I think, I don't stick to my believe and the path we planned. So I need to have a budget for time prepared.
- Employment was my past foundation, living of my own designs is my "next" in Heidegger's terms, so it makes no sense to go backwards to employment. It's done now. On with "the next".